The Offer

• DON'T treat a job offer lightly.

More specifically, do not leave me this voicemail. Ever.

"Hi, Recruiter! I'm sorry I didn't return your call yesterday to let you know whether or not I was taking the job. I was out planting trees all day. Call me again! Thanks!"

Oh, geez. That's so sweet!
I can't beleive you were out planting trees all day and saving our environment!

I can't believe you were out planting trees all day when I extended you a job offer on Friday and you told me you'd call me Monday with a decision.

I can't believe that instead of sharing that decision with me, your recruiter, the person who offered you a job, you were out planting trees all day and hugging chipmunks and wishing you were a butterfly. Good luck paying your mortgage in chipmunk hugs, Starshine.

You've inspired me to do something good for the environment today too- I just recycled your resume.

I'm no longer into hiring you.

Period. End of Interview.

• DON'T overshare.

You look nice. Pressed suit. Firm handshake. Come into my office! Sit down!

OH- but don't do this:


Me: "Have a seat."

Insane Woman: "Thank you! One moment." [woman picks up a magazine from our waiting room and places it on the seat in my conference room].

Me: "Is everything ok?"

Insane Woman: "Yes! I'm just spotting heavily, that's all."


I'm just not into hiring you. PERIOD.

Etiquette: The Face to Face

Suit? Check.

Hair did? Check.

Resume? Check.

Manners? Ruh-roh.

Getting a face-to-face interview is the employment Holy Grail these days, so

• DON'T Forget Your Manners

I interviewed a woman who was very nice but not qualified for my position. She asked me to be honest with her about her chances at getting the job. I carefully and politely let her know that while I didn't feel her qualifications made her a strong match for THIS position, that there may be other opportunities for her.

DON'T promptly stand up and end the interview.

DON'T refuse to shake my hand and storm out.

DON'T throw my business card on the floor of the elevator, making my confused security guard bring it back up to me.

Interview tips, I can give you. Act-like-an-adult-human tips, I cannot.

Interview FAIL.

NO MORE Resume Interest Sections!!!!

I'd like to issue a special kind of "DO NOT" for the day. I thought this was a given, but evidently, I was mistaken.

"Harry Potter"??

NOT a resume "Interest".


Lock it up, people. Act like you've been there before.

Nipples Need Not Apply

• DO NOT dress casually for an interview.

Do we live in a beach community? Yes.
Do I wear a bathing suit to the beach? Yes.
Do I wear a bathing suit to the office? NO.

DO NOT come to my office in a flourescent orange bikini, shorty-shorts that may as well read "UNHIRABLE" on the butt, and a wife-beater tank top and expect to be taken seriously. How could any person on this planet consider you for a job in an office when he/she can see your nipples through your bathing suit? Yes, we all have nipples, and we're all adults here, but nipples are not a "qualification".

You could've just dropped me a quick email saying,

Dear Recruiter,

After careful consideration, I've decided that I'd rather not take your job opportunity seriously in any way. I feel it is in my best interest to continue generating my primary income from selling pictures of my feet to men I meet on Craigslist.

Best,
Nipples

PS. I'm just not into hiring you.

Relating Your Interview to an Ass-Kicking Contest

I get it. I'm a nice recruiter. I'm easy to get along with. But we won't be friends. Ever.

Our relationship will always be limited to Recruiter/Guy I'd bet BIG money that you have frosted tips in your hair even though it's 2009. It's true; we can't cross that line, so don't try to make it more casual by saying THIS when you answer the phone:

Me: "Hi Jake! How's your day? I wanted to hear about your interview."
Jake: "Whoooee! I'm not busy, but I am more tired than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest! You know what I mean? DO you know what I mean? How are you?"

Stunned. Speechless. Horrified. Laughing uncomfortably to fill the awkard silence.

Funny at a bar (kind of). Less funny with your Recruiter.

More Ill-Advised Interview Locations

The BATHROOM? Really?

SUPER instinct answering the phone while you're in a public bathroom. I appreciate the siren song of the Unknown Caller ID, but circumstances do exist in which you may just want to kick it to voicemail. Me calling you to discuss your resume ranks pretty high up on the list.

The Zoo

People have kids. People have pets. I think both are cute, but when I've already identified myself as a potential employer and you've TOLD me you are in an environment in which you're able to openly discuss your qualifications for the position, we should NEVER have to have this conversation:

Me: "Joe, I'm sorry. Is that a BIRD in the background?"

Joe: "OH! Yes, she is my friend and she is singing all over the place."

Me: "Oh, I had to ask. It sounded either like someone was choking a bird or blowing a police whistle into the phone."

Joe: "She gets very excited when I get home. Do you think it would help if I move into another room?"

Me: "I can't imagine that it would hurt, Joe. Thanks."

Tomfoolery & Ballyhoo

• Don't create silly euphamisms.

Me: "And why did you leave your last sales position?"
Guy: "Well, it started to not be profitable anymore."
Me: "It started to not be profitable?"
Guy: "You know...I started to not receive as much income."

Oh- no, no, no. I wasn't having a hard time understanding what "profitable" meant. I was having a hard time absorbing the fact that you were trying to come up with a cute way to tell me you couldn't sell donuts to a fat kid. You sucking at your job is not the same as your job sucking.

Thanks for glazing over the truth. I'm just not into hiring you.

Location, Location, Location

Ok. You've got me. You've somehow created a resume that has tricked me into calling you; now what?

First impressions are important, especially when you're interviewing for a new job. Allow me to share a first impressions that has been burnt into my memory.

The Piece of Cake Interview

You wanted the job. You're qualified on paper. I'm inspired by your resume and want to talk to you about the position. WHAT could go wrong? Let's start with the fact that you've scheduled this telephone interview for a time that you are required to GO OUT AND BUY A CAKE FOR YOUR MANAGER'S WIFE'S BIRTHDAY. Seriously?

Yes- now I know that you're loyal to your manager and that when given a task, you will go to great lengths to complete it. Those virtues, however, are immediately overshadowed by the fact that you are panting into the phone and cursing at other cars in traffing while you give me 50% of your attention and the other 50% to your impending cake-situation. Please escort yourself to the crossroads of opportunity and unemployment. Grab me a latte on your way there, will you?

More Resume DON'Ts

• DON’T misspell your title and/or responsibilites.

I recently saw this on a resume:

XYZ Cellular Company
Ass Manager
Responsibilities include selling phones and planes to customers.

Wow. So many things that tell me to recycle your resume. First of all; YOU’RE the Ass Man?? Somebody tell Kramer to look no further! The Ass Man is not only selling cell phones, but he’s managing ass. Oh, and he sells planes. Airplanes, I’d assume. It’s alot to do in that little kiosk in the mall, but that’s probably why he’s looking for a new job. Juggling phones, planes, and ass all day long is exhausting.

• DON’T forget to completely edit your stupid resume template.

Nothing tells me how deeply implanted your head is into your ass than you sending me a resume that looks like this:

Jason [Last Name]
123 Sherwood Forest Lane
Nowhereville, SD

Tough news for you, Jason-with-no-last-name: even if I had been drinking heavily while scanning resumes today and somehow thought yours was a good one to call on, I’d have to send smoke signals to your house, apartment, or van down by the river. Aside from selecting only one name, like “Prince” or “Madonna”, you’ve omitted any relevant contact information such as your phone number or email address, thus negating the purpose of your resume submission. You get a cookie and a one-way ticket to the unemployment line.

I’ve also seen this recently:

ABC Inc.
Title

Truly? Your title was “Title”??

And last but not least, one of my favorites. I received a resume with one name at the top of page 1 and another name at the top of page two. If you’re going to steal and copy your friend’s resume, please remember what your name is.

Stay tuned for tips on how to prevent me from showing your resume blunders to every person in my office, building, and the Starbucks downstairs.

Keep Your Shirt On

Tip of the day: 

Keep Your Shirt On.

I just called a candidate who had sent me his resume and asked him if this moment was a good time for him to talk and if he was in a quiet place where he wouldn't be interrupted. ABSOLUTELY!, he tells me.

The madness quickly ensues:

Me: "Thanks for taking the time to speak with me today."

Guy: "Hang on for one second, I just want to turn my tv off. Ok. Big remote. Little remote. Ok. Shoot."

Me: "I was reviewing your resume and had some questions."

Guy: "Hang on for one second, I just want to print off my resume so I can follow along. One second. Ok. Shoot."

Me: "Could you tell me about your current position?"

Guy: "I sure can. Hang on for one second while I take my sweater off."

WHY DID YOU SAY YOU WERE READY, FELLA? For the love of all that is holy, keep your clothes on or tell me you'll call me back at a better time. 

Resume DON'Ts

We’ve talked about the importance of your email address and voicemail message. Let’s discuss your resume next. Instead of “Dos”, I’ll be tackling “Don’ts”.

• DON’T misspell your employer’s name.

ie. Navel Base

Do you really work on a Navel Base? Where is the National Headquarters for Belly Buttons located?

• DON’T include a Hobbies section on your resume.

Inevitably, it looks like this:

Hobbies: Surfing the Internet [true story]

Spoiler Alert: drawing attention to the fact that your favorite pasttimes include wasting space and stealing oxygen is a strange and deluded way of trying to get an employer to like you.

If you insist upon including a Hobbies section, don’t misspell your hobbies. For example:

Hobbies: Running, Voltairism

Really? Where do you Voltaire? Is it in France? Is Enlightenment really a part-time activity?

Voicemails

The next reason I don’t want to hire you is very related to and no less painful than the first. You’ve thrown a few red flags on the field before we ever spoke. Since they all occur on the phone, I’ll lump them all together:

• Your voicemail message is wildly unprofessional.
• Your voicemail box is full.
• You have a catch phrase.

Allow me to explain. Rapping is cool. Lots of things are cool when you do them with your friends, but stupid when you do them with your boss, right? Don’t leave a rap on your voicemail message. Don’t wish me a blessed day. Don’t make me listen to Flo Rida while my party is located.

Now you know that what you say/sing on your voicemail message can damage my impression of you. Equally as damaging is what you don’t say. If I call your cell- the only contact number you’ve listed- and your voicemail box is full, I have to assume that it’s because you’re too busy selling crack and stockpiling guns to delete your messages. Do I have to remind you that YOU applied to MY job? Why would you send me a letter, asking me to call you, listing ONE telephone number, and then NOT allow me to leave a message? Congratulations; I no longer want to talk to you.

Lastly, you are not a running shoe. You are not a new soft drink. You are a grown person looking for a job. There is NO need to have a catch phrase. Here’s a true story I still have nightmares about: I once interviewed a man who was a part-time clown at children’s parties. When I called him to explain that I was unable to offer him a position with my company he closed our conversation (as I can only assume he usually does) with, “Thank you for your call. And promise me this; if you have a child, remember to hug them today.” *Click* …Kudos, Clown! Not only am I shredding your resume, but I’m dialing 9-1-1.

Stay tuned for more tips on how to be less frightening.

Why I Won't Hire You

This isn’t easy for me. I had to think long and hard about my decision. There were alot of factors that played into making up my mind, but if this relationship is based on honesty then I have to say…I’m just not that into hiring you.

Why would I not want to hire you? Bad news; lots of reasons. Worse news; I’m going to tell you.

As a recruiter, I’ve read thousands of resumes and have interviewed thousands of people. I’ve offered many people jobs. I’ve told many people that they were not chosen and they all inevitably ask “Why?” Get ready. You’ll wish you never asked. Slowly but surely, on this blog, I am going to share PAINFULLY true anecdotes about why nobody wants to hire you.

I’m going to start slow as to not overwhelm you. The first one shouldn’t be too surprising:

• You have an absolutely ridiculous email address.
  

Guess what magichandsmatt@yahoo.com! Without ever having a conversation with you, I already know you’re a douchebag. It’s sad but true that I simply have to infer that any grown man, regardless of profession, who not only thinks but wants to share with me and my company that he has “magic hands” is a tool.

Also, thickasista69@aol.com, when strip clubs start requiring MS Word copies of resumes, I’m sure you’ll be at the head of the class, but we wear suits to my office; not boobie tassles. Please tell your cousin, gitterdone@cox.net, that while his email address does imply a certain level of admiration, I don’t want him getting anything done near me.